Hello and welcome to the inevitable Twilight edition of JoeBusiness. Whether you’re a ‘TwiHard’ or, as I am, Twying your best to ignore it you simply cannot avoid the fact that the final instalment of the supernatural saga is out this week. There have been premieres all over the world, Leicester Square was shut down on Wednesday, and teenage girls and their very patient mothers have been camping out for days to catch a glimpse of the stars. In Leicester Square these dedicated little vamp enthusiasts have been placed behind metal fencing, for who’s safety I’m not sure, but it does give the impression of walking past a prison camp. For anyone unwittingly showing their incredulity at why anyone would go through such an ordeal to maybe get a fingertip on Taylor Lautner’s coiffured bonce the scene would be reminiscent of that bit in Jurassic Park where the raptors approach the edge of the cage with their unblinking yellow eyes… unnerving stuff.
Although I don’t understand it, I don’t have an issue with this level of fandom, it just rather perplexes me in the sense that the three central protagonists of the Twilight saga are so fundamentally unlikeable. Bella is a moany little twerp, who’s intent on pursuing a relationship with Edward with no regard for the feelings of her family and simultaneously leading Jacob on. Edward, unfathomably, manages to be a bloodthirsty monster, representing one of the most base and ancient fears of mankind and yet still be boring, constantly moralising and mooning over Bella (God knows why). Now we come to Jacob, the most likeable of the trio but still a muppet for his consistent pursuit of the unpleasant Bella. I am aware that the teenage girls who make up the core demographic of ‘TwiHards’ are prescribing to a paradigm of chivalric values that they simply don’t see in their male classmates, who think the height of courtship is to fart on their hand and gallantly offer the lady in question a sample (legends!) but as women have been finding out for centuries, these perfect men don’t exist so more often than not you’ll have to settle for stinky palm, who’ll grow up to be a perfectly nice bloke and a lot more fun than Edward or Jacob.
I know I’m not the target market and hence the fact it’s lost on me is of little consequence to the execs at Lionsgate when they’re constructing life-sized jumbo jets out of $100 bills but the way I approach the characters in Twilight is to imagine going for a drink with them… You know that despite being out with two vampires and a werewolf you’d be forking out 50ps to play Who Wants to be a Millionaire on the quiz machine just to have something to talk about… And I bet Edward wouldn’t even drink… bell end.
Innnn other news, Ke$ha, a woman who has built an entire career on auto-tuning and innuendo has admitted she has no time for a relationship and hence has taken many lovers across the globe to satisfy her voracious needs. Fair enough. I just hope her and Harry Styles are never left alone together, as a vortex capable of destroying the universe would surely be created and we’d all be sucked into a rather sticky black hole, doomed to wonder through a parallel reality with nothing but What Makes You Beautiful and Tik Tok playing on loop while we’re forced to watch them copulate like Greek gods atop Olympus.
And finally another series of ITV mainstay I’m A Celebrity has started, featuring the standard bunch of ‘Oh, it’s that bloke off…ummm..hang on I’ll get it’s. Pick of the bunch are darts legend Eric Bristoe, lonely male viewer fodder Helen Flanagan and Tory MP Nadine Dorries. A lot has already been said about the presence of someone who’s wages are paid by the taxpayer on the show means we’ll all know she can’t possibly be working on the behalf of her constituents but she said she has gone on there so the public will be able to identify with MPs and to highlight important issues like ummmm abortion…
I’m not entirely sure how chowing down on a marsupial’s gonads is going to make us all think carefully about a deeply divisive and sensitive issue but being the elected representative of the people I guess she knows better than me.
That’s it for this week. Sorry if it was a bit ‘ranty’… As always, if you want to have a chat about any of it or suggest any stories for next week please get in touch with the details below.
Published on IAmMusic.TV, 15th Nov 2012