JoeBusiness ::: Tulisa, Danny’s Film’s Dire Performance, Back Tattoos and Ben Fogle on Acid

Ben Fogle

Yes it was The Brit Awards this week and yes some people won and some people got drunk but blah, blah it was right boring weren’t it? So instead let’s chat about old JoeBusiness favourite Tulisa! Apparently Simon Cowell is set to axe her from the next series of The X Factor amid claims she was ‘distracted’ last year. Aaaaaahhhhh!!! This has prompted news that Sharon Osbourne could be set to take her place after Mel B appearing to usurp her on the panel of America’s Got Talent. Oh the turmoil! What’s Simon going to do? He now has stories running in every tabloid newspaper and glossy magazine on either side of the Atlantic about two of his biggest shows, almost as if the sneaky flat-headed rascal has masterfully manipulated the world’s press for his own benefit… again. This has prompted some rather interesting debates about who would replace Tulisa, who won’t leave by the way, I’d bet my left nut on it and that’s my favourite one, with everyone from Jay-Z to Simon’s favourite horizontal naked wrestling buddy Dannii Minogue being touted. I think there should be a random election system, much like in The Hunger Games, where every series of The X Factor a random member of the public joins Gary, Louis and Nicole as the fourth judge. I tell you what if Keith from Orpington was in charge of the over-28s he could have Robert Mugabe singing Gay Bar every week and I’d still vote for him.

In other news, poor old Danny Dyer. His new movie, Run For Your Wife, took between £600 and £750 over it’s opening weekend depending on who you listen to… either way, it ain’t good. Over the same weekend, the new Die Hard flick took an estimated £4.5 million but both films were panned by critics, so why the disparity? Ok, obvious reasons aside – Hollywood blockbuster, legendary franchise/leading man etc, the gap still seems enormous. Bruce Willis was slated for his bizarre, zombie-like appearance on The One Show while Danny Dyer, when I interviewed him at his movie’s premiere, at least answered my questions without doing an accurate impression of the geezer off the Stroke advert, so why did his movie tank while the brilliantly titled A Good Day to Die Hard didn’t? I actually think the Hollywood leviathan is genuinely a worse movie. That being said, The Shawshank Redemption put in a famously uninspired performance at the box office but went on to become a huge seller on video and DVD and is now recognised as one of the masterpieces of modern cinema. So maybe Dyer’s film, in which he plays a bigamous cab driver married to both Sarah Harding (off Girls Aloud) and Denise van Outen (off Strictly), trying to avoid either wife finding out about each other with the help of hilarious best pal, played by Neil Morrissey …. oh, I see.

On another note, this week posh telly man Ben Fogle apparently had his drink spiked with a substance thought to be LSD. Now this isn’t funny and is a serious violation but my god it’s intriguing isn’t… Ben Fogle… on Acid! According to reports, Foges tried to jump out of a window and had to be restrained during a ‘psychotic episode’. The doctors later found no neurological cause for BF’s behaviour so put it down to the fact that his drink must’ve been interfered with while the TV host and his wife enjoyed an evening in Gloucestershire pub with friends. So I’ll set the scene: you’re in a country pub, you and your pals are tripping off your nut having scored some LSD from the kid in the year above with the lip ring and then… that lanky posh geezer off the telly walks in. Only you can’t be sure, I mean you’re out of it, you were playing the ItBox with Rasputin and Super Mario earlier, so why not pop a little tab in his pint of real ale? You can see how it happened right? I would however like to reiterate that drugs and drugging TV presenters is bad ok? Except Eamonn Holmes. If you see the Big Dog himself it is customary to offer him a honk on your crack pipe. It’s just rude otherwise.

And finally, after mentioning a thigh tattoo sported by a German lady of X Factor winner James Arthur a couple of weeks ago (after which, rather satisfyingly, I received some abuse from the lady herself) I’d like to just touch (literally) on Cheryl Cole’s new ink. The Geordie lass stunned the Newcastle crowd on the opening night of the Girls Aloud tenth anniversary tour, by showing her rather large new back tattoo of some roses. I for one don’t care that she looks like a member of a Californian prison gang I still defo would… Which is incidentally why I was so popular during my stint at San Quentin Federal Penitentiary.

 First published on IAmMusic.TV, 24th Feb 2013

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