JoeBusiness ::: Fighting Your Mum, Boob Tattoos And Sticking Up For Bieber

Justin Bieber, monkey

Isn’t Lindsay Lohan great? Why’s everyone always having a go at her? LiLo’s latest escapade has seen her photographed slumped drunkenly under a table in a Rio nightclub during a publicity trip to Brazil. The thing is we: the media, the public, the people who rant about them, love ‘out of control’ stars. Ok I accept there are those who take it too far and these are the real addicts. Amy Winehouse and to a lesser extent Pete Doherty are among a few who represent a tragic waste of potential and in the worst cases, life. I’m not saying Amy’s musical legacy isn’t extraordinary but who knows what else she would have achieved had she been free from the demons of addiction and self-destruction, and not least a young woman would still be alive. However, these tragic cases are not what I’m talking about. The people I’m talking about are the candyfloss rock stars who do what so many of us would do when given extraordinary riches, fame and undue deference at a young age and that’s go a little bit mental.

I don’t know why when Keith Richards gets wasted (for 50 years!) it’s cool but when Lindsay does it, it’s disappointing. Ok so getting in your car when pissed isn’t cool and Lohan, as does anyone else who’s done it, needs to stop it but you don’t need me to tell you that. But being pissed under a table, anyone who hasn’t done that has clearly never drunk gin; fighting over a boyband member in a bar makes you a boozy legend and having a punch up with your Mum… What a Spartan! She even Tweeted on April 1st that she was pregnant – prompting near orgasms from hacks everywhere but it was an April Fools ruse that show’s, whether consciously or not, LiLo is aware of the hypocrisy of which she’s a part.

Another example is One Direction’s Harry Styles, who’s penchant for tattoos and sleeping with lots and lots of attractive women is apparently a worrying trend in his lifestyle. Ummmm he’s 19 and millions of women all over the world would gladly give up a limb for a glimpse of his left nut so if I were Hazza I’d be out getting a giant tattoo of a pair of tits across my back bearing the legend: I’ve see more than you!’ and then having an orgy to celebrate. Even Simon Cowell, a man who’s wealth and the glamour surrounding him don’t detract from the fact that he’s far too uncool to ever act like a rock star, has come out in the press and said he would act the same if he was in 1D’s position, so let’s just get behind Harry as he gets behind some groupies.

Part of the reason that we frown upon the decadent antics of those in the public eye is envy. I admit, many’s the time I’ve seen a snap of Harry, or some other hunky little twerp, surrounded by a harem of attractive and more importantly ravenously keen young ladies and thought: ‘For fucks sake!’ And so redoubled my efforts to find some sordid grainy video and then had to pop the kettle on as I wait for it to buffer. But I’ve realised why should these young stars give a shit? It’s not their fault that we’re jealous so crack on I say lad and do it for Blighty!

Another issue is that in a world of plastic pop stars and coma-inducing actors it’s nice to have some personality and see people acting in a recognisably human way. Even Justin Bieber, who I had pegged as a grinning little gimp, has recently been eliciting my admiration now that he’s fighting paparazzi, attacking his neighbours (allegedly) and participating in failed attempts to smuggle monkeys into Germany (not a euphemism, check this out).

There are no real rock stars left and the behaviour of these young stars is not only completely understandable but makes them more human and more interesting. So yeah it’s annoying but the point is who would you rather hang out with, Taylor Swift and talk about boys or Lindsay Lohan and get in a drunken brawl with a group of circus midgets? And what would you rather do, sit around the hotel room with the other four out of One Direction or hit The Bearded Oyster with a pocketful of notes and your man Harry Styles?… I know where I’d rather be.

First published on IAmMusic.TV, 4th April 2013

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