JoeBusiness ::: Pop Reunions And How James Arthur Can Ruin Oral Sex

James Arthur tattoo

People are bang into reunions at the moment aren’t they? I interviewed Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud this week about their reunion, which is kind of understandable given the barnstorming success and continued relevance of the group but at the same premiere I also chatted to Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten and she told me they’re also getting back together, as are B*Witched, Steps and 5ive for a show on ITV2 called The Big Reunion. Now this will have little or no impact on my life, apart from I may start seeing these faces from my childhood bounding up to me on the red carpet for interviews and that can only be a good thing as firstly, it’s always fun to interview people you grew up watching and who’s dance routines you know off by heart (I’m still harder than a coffin nail alright so back off you mug!) and they are also aware of the fleeting and fickle nature of fame and fortune and have known the unforgiving wilderness of a fall from favour and hence, are more likely to give considered, grounded and meaningful answers to my inane queries. I just wondered, why now?


I think the answer could be that these people, when put back together, are often a bubbling pot of neuroses and long-buried resentments which means they’ll argue, cry and embarrass themselves, at least that’s what the producers are hoping. The simple fact is that these people have faced significant personal demons and by-and-large hate each other’s guts, as what would have been run of the mill rows between friends and co-workers over who left stragglers in the bikini wax tub were distorted into conflicts to resemble the unrest in the Gaza Strip, at least in the participants heads anyway. ‘Gaza Strip’ is incidentally the name of my new themed gentleman’s lounge… I don’t anticipate any trouble.


Not all of these people have faded from the public consciousness, Liz has had a successful TV career while Kerry Katona’s post-Atomic Kitten highs and lows have been well-publicised but by and large their fans have grown up and people have forgotten. The perfect example is the appearance of Sean Conlon on The Voice, where none of the judges picked him and Jessie J, a young girl at the height of his band’s success, proclaimed ‘You were the first concert I ever went to!’ before sadly watching her former idol traipse away unsuccessful from her vantage point of contemporary fame. Sean’s experience is surely a microcosm that sums up the last decade or so in the lives of most of the individual members of these groups. They’re a spent force, it happens in music, their songs ceased to be relevant or profitable, they fell out, they moved on and that’s ok, you don’t have to be famous you know. But now they’re being chucked back together for our amusement, so I for one certainly have time in my life for one more rendition of Slam Dunk da Funk and wish them all the best of luck but shall probably be cackling like a pissed hyena when they release the futility and indignity of their undertaking and break down like marionettes with cut strings.


On a separate note, I feel compelled to mention a mad German (that’s the technical term) named Ines Koch (hehe!) who has got a tattoo of last year’s X Factor winner James Arthur tattooed on her thigh as he ‘inspired’ her with his rags to riches story. I’ve never understood why people do this, if you like someone or what they represent can’t you just remember that in your brain instead of getting it branded on your flesh? What if one day he says something well racist or it turns out he wanks in people’s letterboxes and runs away? I’m not saying he does… he probably doesn’t. In that case his fans will be able to take a step back from their admiration but poor old Ines will forever proclaim her stout Teutonic thigh to be the property of a bigoted postal spunker. I also feel sorry for any fella (or lass) who squirms down there, intent on taking his pink mouth eel for a drink in Miss Koch’s poon saloon, only to have to bring her to the point of ecstasy with James Arthur’ morose northern boat race in their peripheral vision.

First published on IAmMusic.TV, 11th Feb 2013

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